I sat there, waiting for something to happen. On that front porch, overlooking a street and above was a violent pink and orange sunset with glory written all over it. Frustrated with myself I waited. Feeling for the first time in awhile, the freedom in doing nothing but what the very core of me wanted to do. Living in the present, and giving up on caring about anything to do with the past or the future. There was a grace upon me that I didn’t care to understand, all I wished was that it didn’t go away. I looked up at that sunset in which man couldn’t create and asked God why I was the way I was. I felt like Paul, in the midst of his OCD battle in Romans.
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” 7:15
I couldn’t reason with myself as to why I’d get so inspired by people yet lose my commitments I had set for myself. WHY couldn’t I be that Christian. WHY couldn’t I love Jesus like that, for that amount of time in the mornings. I’d watch video after video sinking in the inspiration of Todd White, Heidi Baker, Bill Johnson, Ravi Zacharias… and somewhere in me I’d subconsciously tell myself, NOW I can live that way. This is what I have to do to be like them. Replicate their strategy and Jesus will give me the never-failing-healing-hand. He’ll give me His eyes and I’ll be able to prophesy over nations!
None of these predictions came to light. All I’d see the next day was a tired Haeli desiring to be the best and ideal woman God made her for, yet not being able to reach that potential, feeling too dry to pick up her Bible.
“So, God, why am I this way? Why do I know what I should do but make all the excuses to not do it? Why is loving people a drag? Why can’t I be who I know I’m supposed to be? Why do other people get to experience you like that?” Two words He said to me. They started with a ‘Q’ and a ‘T’. And it wasn’t “Quiet time” Ha! No that was something I strived for every morning. Sitting there with Jesus waiting for my heart to crave scripture, or an hour of intercession. No, He said to me two different words that can easily be manipulated in our finite minds to meaning the cliche quiet time.
He said, “Haeli, I want quality time. This marriage with me THRIVES on quality time. You cannot come away from another human being expecting them to change your life. That inspiration will not go far. But, look at My Son. He is the essence of love for me. He will teach you how to love me.” From then on I knew; my times with Jesus have been forced and messy. He never asked me to wake up and force myself to read the word trying to quench my spirit, but feeling nothing at all. He never asked me to pray with my eyes open easily distracted. He wanted my quality time. He wanted me to come away with Him into a quiet place and just sit. To be still and not pick up a journal or scripture until He said so. To put no expectation on myself.
Some mornings I find that I’ve sat there for so many minutes with my eyes shut not trying or striving to do anything and out of nowhere I’ll start vomiting prayers with tears streaming over nations and people groups. A heart I had desired to have for so long but was going to the source of others to attain it.
The Body of Christ is a beautiful source for encouragement and inspiration, but I’ve found that there is no one like Jesus. There is no feeling like waking up and sitting there until Heaven comes and takes over.
This blog can inspire you, but it can’t do anything for you. I’ve had to learn that I can’t watch a sermon or Heidi Baker roll on the floor possessed by the Holy Spirit and expect that He’ll somehow possess me too. I love Jesus, and now I know how to be His friend.