I was encouraged to ask a question by a friend. A question I struggled with. It took me a long time to realize the lie I had been living under. The lie that spit in the face of Jesus. The lie that told me I could not go to Him, be open with Him, because I was way too dirty. I felt like a pig that had just rolled through and through sloppy mud. Continuously bowing to my flesh. Doing what I did not want to do. Fighting the same battle Paul fought;
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15
A spiritual OCD. I knew what was good. What was clean. What was edifying to my mind, and all my flesh would do is the opposite. I finally came to the end of myself. The end of my abandonment, control, fear, rejection, and I asked Him.
“Jesus, can you take me to the Father?”
Jesus and I are in a very large beautiful field. He’s sitting at my feet holding my hand as I stand and stare up at the sky. All I see is light. Bright, radiating, filling the entire atmosphere. The sun is nowhere to be found, no, for this light swallows the light of the sun and extracts over the entirety of the sky above me.
Jesus pulls me down next to Him and we laid back on the soft grass. The light above was behind the fogginess of a thin layer of clouds. Jesus said, “You do not understand the father. His presence will not kill you, and He wants to be near you.” I replied, “Jesus, take me to the Father.”
Jesus tilted the world onto its side. His body became a bridge stretching from the field to the sky. I walked across the bridge, went through the wisps of cloud, and into the overwhelming light.
It didn’t hurt me, nor did it blind me. I was spinning in the midst of nothingness. Just a yellow glow on every side of me. I was praising with my arms held high and my voice proclaiming the glory of God.
“Father, please show yourself, I want to see you.” The next thing I heard was “Dun dun. Dun dun.” I was in the heartbeat of my Father.
Out of the air Jesus walked to me and sat at my feet again. When I saw Him I started laughing, and a voice from all around me that didn’t come from the lips of Jesus spoke, “Haeli, why are you laughing?” I told the Father that I missed His Son, and then thought of how much He missed Him while He died for humanity. Jesus showed me a loaf of bread, and a beautiful glass of wine He brought.
Brushing His hand over my eyes He closed them. He told me when His body hung on the cross He thought of me. He remembered me and whispered my name. He acknowledged me before I lived, and loved me too quick for me to love Him first.
Then I felt the bread touch my lips, I took of it and ate.
Jesus showed me a beautiful glass of wine. As if He was just holding the wine without a glass, it was so clear. I would of thought it was invisible if it weren’t for the sparkle along the edges. “Drink my blood, Haeli. For this is the only way you will have life. Drink of my blood every morning, and let it flow through your veins. Let your body be mine, you can not do anything alone.” I took the transparent cup and drank.
Jesus took me by the hand and picked me up. He said, “I have prepared a feast for you.” The next thing I knew we were walking through a doorway into a room dressed like the Christmas season. Twenty four elders, 12 sitting on each side of the long table, stood for me and welcomed me to my seat next to Jesus. He sat on the end and I took the corner seat next to Him. On my head, He placed a crown. He straightened it, and as He did I could hear the silencing of the enemy’s tormenting lies. I heard the chains falling off my ears. Off my brain, and off my heart. Jesus told me, “The cost is paid, you will always have a place at my table.” And we ate.
“Why would You do that for me?” After sitting on the shower floor for about 30 minutes lost in this vision I could not get up from weeping and asking the question over and over. He took away every bit of sin between us. He grabbed them from my heart and gently tossed them away, so bold yet without the slightest bit of arrogance. He did what only He could do. My hiding couldn’t clean me. My dishonesty with myself wouldn’t wash me. My control couldn’t fulfill me. There was a wall between me and the cure to all of my pain and that was Jesus. Satan distorts the truth and says, “Jesus won’t take it away, it’s a waste of time.” If Satan distorts, then isn’t the opposite true? Won’t Jesus take the pain away? Give us the very white shirt off of His back over and over and over again no matter how many more times we roll through the mud?
I can see it. His hands stretched out over the world, calling it back to Him. Like He did in the days of the prophets.
“A cry is heard on the barren heights, the weeping and the pleading of the people of Israel, because they’ve perverted their ways and have forgotten the Lord their God. Return, faithless people; I will cure you of backsliding.” Jeremiah 3:21-22
Jesus pleading with the nations of people bowing down and worshipping the lie that says we are not good enough to come to Him. Pleading with the nations to enter in to His presence. He says, “Come away, come away with me. I know what you did, but just let me love you now. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer because I’m so in love with you.”
Have you gone to Jesus today? Have you gotten on your knees and asked Him what He did for you? Asked Him why He says you’re worthy? I want to encourage you, like I was encouraged. Ask Jesus to take you to the Father. Accept His grace that is ever so sufficient for you. His blood that has been atoned for you. Don’t waste any more time running away from the Father when He looks at you with the same smile, the same laugh, the same compassion He looks at His son with. You have a place at His table, just waiting. Do not waste any more of your time. Go away with Him.